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Psychedelic Journeys
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5MeODMT: The God Molecule
On Feb. 7th, 2017, I launched into a deep state of consciousness, beyond anything I could imagine. The experience changed my life. It was the beginning of a life-long journey to heal childhood trauma, overcome depression and negative self-talk, and finally understand what it means to love myself. The Toad medicine, along with ayahuasca, mushrooms, MDMA, marijuana, and many others can be powerful ways to access the subconscious, but it's not for everyone, and it needs to be taken seriously. I highly recommend Michael Pollan's book, How to Change Your Mind, for more details about these and other medicines.
I also recommend Erowid.com and Maps.com (Multidisciplinary Association for Psychedelic Therapy) for more information on this topic. If you're still curious, simply Google Psychedelic Therapy, and you will find a slew of research, information, and shared experiences. Psychedelics can usually heal trauma faster than traditional talk therapy, but needs to be done in the right set and setting with a sitter, friend, or therapist who understands the healing process. If you are interested in this path but do not have access to a trained sitter, check out this book Psychedelic Psychotherapy.
I hope that sharing my story might help others find the courage to heal their pain and find a path to self-love, acceptance, and inner peace; through psychedelics or another path that is in alignment with their process. Thanks for reading.
Forbes article about Toad Medicine
On Feb. 7th, 2017, I launched into a deep state of consciousness, beyond anything I could imagine. The experience changed my life. It was the beginning of a life-long journey to heal childhood trauma, overcome depression and negative self-talk, and finally understand what it means to love myself. The Toad medicine, along with ayahuasca, mushrooms, MDMA, marijuana, and many others can be powerful ways to access the subconscious, but it's not for everyone, and it needs to be taken seriously. I highly recommend Michael Pollan's book, How to Change Your Mind, for more details about these and other medicines.
I also recommend Erowid.com and Maps.com (Multidisciplinary Association for Psychedelic Therapy) for more information on this topic. If you're still curious, simply Google Psychedelic Therapy, and you will find a slew of research, information, and shared experiences. Psychedelics can usually heal trauma faster than traditional talk therapy, but needs to be done in the right set and setting with a sitter, friend, or therapist who understands the healing process. If you are interested in this path but do not have access to a trained sitter, check out this book Psychedelic Psychotherapy.
I hope that sharing my story might help others find the courage to heal their pain and find a path to self-love, acceptance, and inner peace; through psychedelics or another path that is in alignment with their process. Thanks for reading.
Forbes article about Toad Medicine
My Struggle
Many people struggle with something in their lives. Relationships, career, health, family, spirituality, money; sometimes all of the above. I’m not sure why, but my guess is we have simply ventured too far away from the source of life; nature. With all the advances of our society, we've become disconnected from the earth; nature; our own intuition. If we are to survive in this society, we need to work and make money. For some, this way of life brings them joy; for example, if you are passionate about technology, chances are you'll be able to find work that you love and make a good living.
Others might not be so lucky. Many artists, teachers, or other professions make barely enough to pay the bills. This has created inequalities and as a result, incredible stress which leads to illness, depression, anxiety and other addictions. We have become lost and as a result, the multi-billion dollar self-help industry is thriving. The pharmaceutical industry tells us that by taking a pill, we will be all better. Corporate giants try to sell us products that will heal our pain; and gain them big profits. More on this later.
Some people address their struggles head on through therapy or other healing modalities like hypnotherapy, personal growth workshops, reading books, etc., and some push it down or numb out through excessive use of alcohol, drugs, food, shopping, internet, sex, work, obsessive exercise, or some other unhealthy habit, behavior, or activity, because they don’t have the resources, desire, or the courage to figure out the root cause of their pain so they can move past it.
Do you know someone stuck in a job they hate, or feel trapped in a relationship, but feel helpless to make a change? Do you know someone who consumes a bottle of wine (or other libation) every night, or numb out in front of the TV or pick a fight with their partner to take out their frustrations? Do you struggle with something in your life? How do you deal with it? Do you talk about it? Hold it inside? Pretend everything is just fine? Or maybe you are one of those rare individuals who accept life as it is, roll with the punches, and are content with your job, health, relationships and family. (if this is you, congratulations!)
I am not one of those people, but there have been many days when I wished to God that I was. I just wanted to “be normal” (whatever that means!) I wanted to accept myself and life for what it is, without becoming overwhelmed, depressed, or filled with anxiety. But that wasn't my path, and as soon as I accepted that, things shifted. I’ve struggled with my moods and self-esteem for most of my life, and only in the past few years have I finally begun to understand the root cause/core wound/childhood trauma that caused these issues. It took a lot of persistence and courage, and it’s still on-going.
Many people struggle with something in their lives. Relationships, career, health, family, spirituality, money; sometimes all of the above. I’m not sure why, but my guess is we have simply ventured too far away from the source of life; nature. With all the advances of our society, we've become disconnected from the earth; nature; our own intuition. If we are to survive in this society, we need to work and make money. For some, this way of life brings them joy; for example, if you are passionate about technology, chances are you'll be able to find work that you love and make a good living.
Others might not be so lucky. Many artists, teachers, or other professions make barely enough to pay the bills. This has created inequalities and as a result, incredible stress which leads to illness, depression, anxiety and other addictions. We have become lost and as a result, the multi-billion dollar self-help industry is thriving. The pharmaceutical industry tells us that by taking a pill, we will be all better. Corporate giants try to sell us products that will heal our pain; and gain them big profits. More on this later.
Some people address their struggles head on through therapy or other healing modalities like hypnotherapy, personal growth workshops, reading books, etc., and some push it down or numb out through excessive use of alcohol, drugs, food, shopping, internet, sex, work, obsessive exercise, or some other unhealthy habit, behavior, or activity, because they don’t have the resources, desire, or the courage to figure out the root cause of their pain so they can move past it.
Do you know someone stuck in a job they hate, or feel trapped in a relationship, but feel helpless to make a change? Do you know someone who consumes a bottle of wine (or other libation) every night, or numb out in front of the TV or pick a fight with their partner to take out their frustrations? Do you struggle with something in your life? How do you deal with it? Do you talk about it? Hold it inside? Pretend everything is just fine? Or maybe you are one of those rare individuals who accept life as it is, roll with the punches, and are content with your job, health, relationships and family. (if this is you, congratulations!)
I am not one of those people, but there have been many days when I wished to God that I was. I just wanted to “be normal” (whatever that means!) I wanted to accept myself and life for what it is, without becoming overwhelmed, depressed, or filled with anxiety. But that wasn't my path, and as soon as I accepted that, things shifted. I’ve struggled with my moods and self-esteem for most of my life, and only in the past few years have I finally begun to understand the root cause/core wound/childhood trauma that caused these issues. It took a lot of persistence and courage, and it’s still on-going.
The Journey Begins
My journey to inner peace wasn’t easy, and although I now have more “good days” than “bad”, it’s an ongoing practice. There were days when I wanted to give up, call it quits, run away, crawl into a hole, or snap my fingers and make all my inner struggles disappear. It was frustrating, confusing, difficult, and exhausting. I’d attend a workshop/have a therapy session/take a psychedelic/read a book, have a breakthrough, and think, YAY! I’m healed! I figured it out! And then, a few days/weeks/months later, something else would trigger me and pull me back into a funk, and I’d begin the process over again to figure out the source of my new pain. Rinse and repeat.
I wondered if I had become addicted to self-help, and feared that I would never access the inner peace I craved. I wanted my inside to match the outside because on the outside, my life appeared to be pretty good. I went to college, got a good job, had lots of friends, got married, had two kids, and was living in Northern California. I had the choice to work or stay home with the kids, or do a little of both, which is what I ended up doing.
I opened an art studio where I taught expressive art classes, created and hosted a TV show about art, and sold lots of my work. How blessed I was! I had everything I thought I wanted, it was a good life. So, when I found myself locked in my bedroom, curled up in a ball on my bed crying my eyes out for “no good reason,” with my kids standing outside the door asking if I was ok, it made no sense to me. I was very confused and felt shame about these feelings, so I didn’t share with anyone, at least not for a while. These feelings stayed with me all day every day, but I was good at covering them up. I put a smile on my face, took care of my kids, went on vacation, hosted parties, and tried to push down my pain. As you might guess, I was unsuccessful. As they say, what we resist, persists.
It was years before I found the courage to begin therapy and try out other modalities to shift my outlook on life, and break my patterns of negative internal voices. During this process, I discovered there were others who experienced similar thoughts and feelings, so I felt less alone, less damaged, less messed up, less crazy.
There was a period of time when I blamed external circumstances. "It's my husband's fault." or "It's my Dad's fault." or "It's the fault of society." It wasn’t until much later that I realized the flaw in this line of thinking. Although I was not to blame for the trauma I experienced, I am responsible for healing it.
My marriage suffered a great deal during this time; my thought process was “I’m not happy in this relationship. And, I'm not happy with myself. Therefore, any relationship I'm in will end up being the same; I will be unhappy. So I better figure out what's really going on, because if I leave the marriage, I will just take my problems with me."
My journey to inner peace wasn’t easy, and although I now have more “good days” than “bad”, it’s an ongoing practice. There were days when I wanted to give up, call it quits, run away, crawl into a hole, or snap my fingers and make all my inner struggles disappear. It was frustrating, confusing, difficult, and exhausting. I’d attend a workshop/have a therapy session/take a psychedelic/read a book, have a breakthrough, and think, YAY! I’m healed! I figured it out! And then, a few days/weeks/months later, something else would trigger me and pull me back into a funk, and I’d begin the process over again to figure out the source of my new pain. Rinse and repeat.
I wondered if I had become addicted to self-help, and feared that I would never access the inner peace I craved. I wanted my inside to match the outside because on the outside, my life appeared to be pretty good. I went to college, got a good job, had lots of friends, got married, had two kids, and was living in Northern California. I had the choice to work or stay home with the kids, or do a little of both, which is what I ended up doing.
I opened an art studio where I taught expressive art classes, created and hosted a TV show about art, and sold lots of my work. How blessed I was! I had everything I thought I wanted, it was a good life. So, when I found myself locked in my bedroom, curled up in a ball on my bed crying my eyes out for “no good reason,” with my kids standing outside the door asking if I was ok, it made no sense to me. I was very confused and felt shame about these feelings, so I didn’t share with anyone, at least not for a while. These feelings stayed with me all day every day, but I was good at covering them up. I put a smile on my face, took care of my kids, went on vacation, hosted parties, and tried to push down my pain. As you might guess, I was unsuccessful. As they say, what we resist, persists.
It was years before I found the courage to begin therapy and try out other modalities to shift my outlook on life, and break my patterns of negative internal voices. During this process, I discovered there were others who experienced similar thoughts and feelings, so I felt less alone, less damaged, less messed up, less crazy.
There was a period of time when I blamed external circumstances. "It's my husband's fault." or "It's my Dad's fault." or "It's the fault of society." It wasn’t until much later that I realized the flaw in this line of thinking. Although I was not to blame for the trauma I experienced, I am responsible for healing it.
My marriage suffered a great deal during this time; my thought process was “I’m not happy in this relationship. And, I'm not happy with myself. Therefore, any relationship I'm in will end up being the same; I will be unhappy. So I better figure out what's really going on, because if I leave the marriage, I will just take my problems with me."
Discecting the Marriage and Myself
Although my marriage had been on shaky ground for years, we didn't have the resources to address our problems. But, we loved each other, were committed to our family, and we balanced each other out in the world, so we stayed together and did the best we could.
My biggest issue wasn't tangible; I craved a deeper connection, but wasn’t able to verbalize what that meant to me, so I had a hard time explaining it to him. I sucked at having boundaries. I wasn't good at understanding my emotions, so I wasn't able to communicate them. And, I questioned the source of my discontent. Was I looking for something that didn’t exist? We had a good life, why was I feeling empty? Maybe it was me. Maybe I was disconnected from myself. Maybe this is just how it feels after being married for 10+ years. So, I endured, and coped in unhealthy ways.
I complained to my friends and family, wrote in my journal, went to therapy, kept busy with the kids and work and hobbies. He kept busy with remodeling projects, sports, and advancing in his career. It wasn’t until the kids moved out that I felt ready to address our issues head on.
I had an idea in my head for how things might go once we faced up to our problems. We’d find a good therapist, look at our unhealthy patterns of communication/intimacy/connection, learn better ways to relate to each other, and live happily ever after. But that's not what happened.
I needed to heal myself before attempting to heal the relationship. In addition to traditional therapy, I experimented with various psychedelics including 5Meo-DMT, Ayahuasca, MDMA, mushrooms, and cannabis. These experiences, along with integration (VERY IMPORTANT!) helped me work through childhood trauma, my mom’s early death, negative self-esteem, anxiety, and depression. I found a path to self-love, something I didn’t even understand until I felt it.
Although my marriage had been on shaky ground for years, we didn't have the resources to address our problems. But, we loved each other, were committed to our family, and we balanced each other out in the world, so we stayed together and did the best we could.
My biggest issue wasn't tangible; I craved a deeper connection, but wasn’t able to verbalize what that meant to me, so I had a hard time explaining it to him. I sucked at having boundaries. I wasn't good at understanding my emotions, so I wasn't able to communicate them. And, I questioned the source of my discontent. Was I looking for something that didn’t exist? We had a good life, why was I feeling empty? Maybe it was me. Maybe I was disconnected from myself. Maybe this is just how it feels after being married for 10+ years. So, I endured, and coped in unhealthy ways.
I complained to my friends and family, wrote in my journal, went to therapy, kept busy with the kids and work and hobbies. He kept busy with remodeling projects, sports, and advancing in his career. It wasn’t until the kids moved out that I felt ready to address our issues head on.
I had an idea in my head for how things might go once we faced up to our problems. We’d find a good therapist, look at our unhealthy patterns of communication/intimacy/connection, learn better ways to relate to each other, and live happily ever after. But that's not what happened.
I needed to heal myself before attempting to heal the relationship. In addition to traditional therapy, I experimented with various psychedelics including 5Meo-DMT, Ayahuasca, MDMA, mushrooms, and cannabis. These experiences, along with integration (VERY IMPORTANT!) helped me work through childhood trauma, my mom’s early death, negative self-esteem, anxiety, and depression. I found a path to self-love, something I didn’t even understand until I felt it.
The GOD Molecule
Imagine forgetting everything: your name, physical existence, your friends, things you've learned, books you've read, places you've been, people you love, your fears, desires, anxieties, needs, money, language. What's left? Pure consciousness, endless energy, eternal light, infinite expansiveness, connection to everything that is, was and ever will be. This energy is bound by nothing. It's part of the infinite and finite at the same time.
If you find that hard to imagine, you're not alone. Buddhist Monks spend a lifetime trying to achieve ego-death, or enlightenment, with limited success. The so-called ego-death, or ego-loss, is a phenomenon that many psychonauts are looking for and at the same time have their greatest fear of.
I can't vouch for all psychedelics, because I haven't tried them all, but from what I have gathered, 5MeO-DMT also known as simply "5", is the most intense, and quickest, way to experience ego death. But back in 2017, I knew none of this. I was told, "doing 5 is like landing in a bath of pure love". Sounded good to me.
Organic 5 comes from a rare species of toad native to the Sonoran Desert, which produces a venom containing DMT; an extremely potent natural psychedelic. It's also available as a synthetic, which is more appealing to most people, because the frogs can be left alone. Michael Pollon had a 5Meo-DMT experience while researching his book, How to Change Your Mind. His experience was not a positive one, which is why I am posting a link to it, because it’s important to see both sides, and since he is a respected journalist, it feels like the right perspective to share.
Although my experience was at first terrifying and then incredibly beautiful beyond words, I still question if it was a good idea. The experience opened my eyes to things I never thought much about, and now I see the world in a different way; but it's hard to live in a society where most people are oblivious to how our daily habits are making us sick and killing the planet. I am torn between running off to an eco-village in Costa Rica, and staying here to try and influence others to shift their way of living, even in small ways.
The Journey
The day finally came; it was time to smoke toad venom.I was sitting on a cushion on the floor of the Shaman's home. He was dressed in white, and soft spiritual music was playing in the background.
“Once I light the pipe and it fills with smoke, blow all the air out of your lungs, inhale, slowly, and hold your breath for as long as you can”, he explained.
My heart was beating so hard, I thought it would push right through my skin. I was terrified! What would happen? What would this be like? But, I was committed. So, I followed the instructions. I took a few deep breaths, exhaled, and then inhaled as instructed, and within about 3 seconds, my mind went blank and I laid back; I felt like I was dying.
I later learned that what I experienced is called “ego death.” According to RevitalizingInfusions.com:
Certain substances, such as DMT, psilocybin, ayahuasca, peyote, LSD and Ketamine, taken in different quantities, have a strong reputation of being able to push the mind or soul over the edge, allowing it to seemingly detach from its bodily counterpart. Often hard to put into words, this can create a state that some have called ego dissolution, ego loss, or even ego death. According to new scientific research, these experiences can have a powerful and positive effect on mental health. People who scored higher on ego dissolution tended to be more positive and have a better outlook on their life after the experience.
Stanislov Grof explain it as such:
Ego dissolution is an ecstatic state, characterized by the loss of boundaries between the subject and the objective world, with ensuing feelings of unity with other people, nature, the entire Universe, and God.
The article goes on to explain why an encounter with the infinite possibility is so therapeutic, which has been a huge help in understanding why it had such a huge impact on me.
Once the terrifying feeling of crossing over passed, I entered a state that is near impossible to explain. So, I’ll share my journal entry from the next day, which is as close as I can come to expressing how it felt to be one with the universal energy that exists all around us, within us, and beyond us.
Journel Entry: Feb. 3rd 2017
It all became perfectly obvious, in an instant. Everything made sense. Life, death, existence itself. The answer was inside me the whole time. It's inside of everyone, but we just can't access this feeling when we are in our “normal” state of consciousness. And to be clear, it was a feeling, not a visual experience like other psychedelics often bring on. I saw nothing, I saw everything. My eyes were closed the whole time.
I felt like I was breathing my first breath. Like I was being reborn. I am. I am expansive. I am beautiful. I am everything. So this is what they were talking about. All of the spiritual and self-help books, the workshops, the meditation teachers. I have everything I need right here, inside my heart, my mind, my soul.
But until I felt that expansive place in my heart, the place where I am connected this very moment, everything that ever was, everything that ever will be, in this dimension or another, until I finally FELT that I was the source of my own pain, suffering, and freedom...only then could I begin the real journey to becoming a whole person, and share what’s in my heart with the world. Sing it, shout it, write it, dance it, create from it, live it, BE IT.
We all have this magic, this love, this infinite well of energy inside of us. It’s not about buying stuff, being successful, winning, raging war. It’s about connecting with each other. Allowing ourselves to be seen, to see each other, for who we are. Only by sharing what’s in our hearts are we able to truly connect with each other and the world. Being open. Vulnerable. Taking the risk. Opening our hearts, so that others can open theirs, knowing they are loved, they are safe, they are held. If we hold it inside, it eats us alive. This expansion, this universal love, brings a freedom I never knew existed.
I can breathe...I am in the flow of life, I am life, not an observer. Not withholding, but expanding...love is all...it's everywhere we only need to open our heart and minds to receiving it. It's so beautiful...it’s easy, it's right here...just reach out and embrace it.
I had to shout it out: “I AM BEAUTIFUL...I AM EXPANSIVE...I AM EVERYTHING...I FUCKING GET IT!”
Open your arms, your heart...every breath is an opportunity to take in more love, and send more love out into the world.
It’s only when we get quiet...stop DOING and start BEING that we can access this pure love...the world we experience as reality is just a distraction. Unless we take a moment to get quiet, it’s beyond our reach. We don’t give ourselves a chance to feel this. We are too busy, and too tired when we sleep.
Meditation can lead us to this bliss. It's a time to go in, not out. To have quiet, not noise. To access this universal love that lives in each of us, and connects us all. We can float on this love forever.
It might feel scary at first, but once you open the door, the door disappears. The walls disappear. The roof and the floor float away...all that’s left is infinite expansive energy...purity...it is birth, it’s life, it is death, it's everything in-between. Some call it God, the creator, the entity, higher power. I have no name for it. It's in every cell of our bodies. Once you access this, you will know. Stop searching for peace out there...find it in your own heart, surrender to it, share it. Give it openly. It is your connection to the source of everything, to each other, to the natural world, to yourself, to the core of who you are. It's beautiful...magical.
When I came back into my body, I thought my journey was complete. Eventually, I realized it had just begun.
As terrifying as it was to access this space of love, eternity, surrender and transcendence, I resisted reintegration back into the real world. I wanted to stay there. I never felt so at peace. All of my problems, anxieties, worries were nonexistent. But it wasn’t to be. Gradually, I returned to my body, trying to hold on to the feeling for as long as possible. When I finally opened my eyes, I was greeted by my Shaman, “Welcome home," he said. Those words took on a whole new meaning.
Imagine forgetting everything: your name, physical existence, your friends, things you've learned, books you've read, places you've been, people you love, your fears, desires, anxieties, needs, money, language. What's left? Pure consciousness, endless energy, eternal light, infinite expansiveness, connection to everything that is, was and ever will be. This energy is bound by nothing. It's part of the infinite and finite at the same time.
If you find that hard to imagine, you're not alone. Buddhist Monks spend a lifetime trying to achieve ego-death, or enlightenment, with limited success. The so-called ego-death, or ego-loss, is a phenomenon that many psychonauts are looking for and at the same time have their greatest fear of.
I can't vouch for all psychedelics, because I haven't tried them all, but from what I have gathered, 5MeO-DMT also known as simply "5", is the most intense, and quickest, way to experience ego death. But back in 2017, I knew none of this. I was told, "doing 5 is like landing in a bath of pure love". Sounded good to me.
Organic 5 comes from a rare species of toad native to the Sonoran Desert, which produces a venom containing DMT; an extremely potent natural psychedelic. It's also available as a synthetic, which is more appealing to most people, because the frogs can be left alone. Michael Pollon had a 5Meo-DMT experience while researching his book, How to Change Your Mind. His experience was not a positive one, which is why I am posting a link to it, because it’s important to see both sides, and since he is a respected journalist, it feels like the right perspective to share.
Although my experience was at first terrifying and then incredibly beautiful beyond words, I still question if it was a good idea. The experience opened my eyes to things I never thought much about, and now I see the world in a different way; but it's hard to live in a society where most people are oblivious to how our daily habits are making us sick and killing the planet. I am torn between running off to an eco-village in Costa Rica, and staying here to try and influence others to shift their way of living, even in small ways.
The Journey
The day finally came; it was time to smoke toad venom.I was sitting on a cushion on the floor of the Shaman's home. He was dressed in white, and soft spiritual music was playing in the background.
“Once I light the pipe and it fills with smoke, blow all the air out of your lungs, inhale, slowly, and hold your breath for as long as you can”, he explained.
My heart was beating so hard, I thought it would push right through my skin. I was terrified! What would happen? What would this be like? But, I was committed. So, I followed the instructions. I took a few deep breaths, exhaled, and then inhaled as instructed, and within about 3 seconds, my mind went blank and I laid back; I felt like I was dying.
I later learned that what I experienced is called “ego death.” According to RevitalizingInfusions.com:
Certain substances, such as DMT, psilocybin, ayahuasca, peyote, LSD and Ketamine, taken in different quantities, have a strong reputation of being able to push the mind or soul over the edge, allowing it to seemingly detach from its bodily counterpart. Often hard to put into words, this can create a state that some have called ego dissolution, ego loss, or even ego death. According to new scientific research, these experiences can have a powerful and positive effect on mental health. People who scored higher on ego dissolution tended to be more positive and have a better outlook on their life after the experience.
Stanislov Grof explain it as such:
Ego dissolution is an ecstatic state, characterized by the loss of boundaries between the subject and the objective world, with ensuing feelings of unity with other people, nature, the entire Universe, and God.
The article goes on to explain why an encounter with the infinite possibility is so therapeutic, which has been a huge help in understanding why it had such a huge impact on me.
Once the terrifying feeling of crossing over passed, I entered a state that is near impossible to explain. So, I’ll share my journal entry from the next day, which is as close as I can come to expressing how it felt to be one with the universal energy that exists all around us, within us, and beyond us.
Journel Entry: Feb. 3rd 2017
It all became perfectly obvious, in an instant. Everything made sense. Life, death, existence itself. The answer was inside me the whole time. It's inside of everyone, but we just can't access this feeling when we are in our “normal” state of consciousness. And to be clear, it was a feeling, not a visual experience like other psychedelics often bring on. I saw nothing, I saw everything. My eyes were closed the whole time.
I felt like I was breathing my first breath. Like I was being reborn. I am. I am expansive. I am beautiful. I am everything. So this is what they were talking about. All of the spiritual and self-help books, the workshops, the meditation teachers. I have everything I need right here, inside my heart, my mind, my soul.
But until I felt that expansive place in my heart, the place where I am connected this very moment, everything that ever was, everything that ever will be, in this dimension or another, until I finally FELT that I was the source of my own pain, suffering, and freedom...only then could I begin the real journey to becoming a whole person, and share what’s in my heart with the world. Sing it, shout it, write it, dance it, create from it, live it, BE IT.
We all have this magic, this love, this infinite well of energy inside of us. It’s not about buying stuff, being successful, winning, raging war. It’s about connecting with each other. Allowing ourselves to be seen, to see each other, for who we are. Only by sharing what’s in our hearts are we able to truly connect with each other and the world. Being open. Vulnerable. Taking the risk. Opening our hearts, so that others can open theirs, knowing they are loved, they are safe, they are held. If we hold it inside, it eats us alive. This expansion, this universal love, brings a freedom I never knew existed.
I can breathe...I am in the flow of life, I am life, not an observer. Not withholding, but expanding...love is all...it's everywhere we only need to open our heart and minds to receiving it. It's so beautiful...it’s easy, it's right here...just reach out and embrace it.
I had to shout it out: “I AM BEAUTIFUL...I AM EXPANSIVE...I AM EVERYTHING...I FUCKING GET IT!”
Open your arms, your heart...every breath is an opportunity to take in more love, and send more love out into the world.
It’s only when we get quiet...stop DOING and start BEING that we can access this pure love...the world we experience as reality is just a distraction. Unless we take a moment to get quiet, it’s beyond our reach. We don’t give ourselves a chance to feel this. We are too busy, and too tired when we sleep.
Meditation can lead us to this bliss. It's a time to go in, not out. To have quiet, not noise. To access this universal love that lives in each of us, and connects us all. We can float on this love forever.
It might feel scary at first, but once you open the door, the door disappears. The walls disappear. The roof and the floor float away...all that’s left is infinite expansive energy...purity...it is birth, it’s life, it is death, it's everything in-between. Some call it God, the creator, the entity, higher power. I have no name for it. It's in every cell of our bodies. Once you access this, you will know. Stop searching for peace out there...find it in your own heart, surrender to it, share it. Give it openly. It is your connection to the source of everything, to each other, to the natural world, to yourself, to the core of who you are. It's beautiful...magical.
When I came back into my body, I thought my journey was complete. Eventually, I realized it had just begun.
As terrifying as it was to access this space of love, eternity, surrender and transcendence, I resisted reintegration back into the real world. I wanted to stay there. I never felt so at peace. All of my problems, anxieties, worries were nonexistent. But it wasn’t to be. Gradually, I returned to my body, trying to hold on to the feeling for as long as possible. When I finally opened my eyes, I was greeted by my Shaman, “Welcome home," he said. Those words took on a whole new meaning.
Ayahuasca in Ecuador
About thirty minutes after drinking the Ayahuasca tea, I lay down and closed my eyes. I was floating in the night sky. Blackness and white lights surrounded me. It was peaceful, calm, and beautiful. After while, the lights began to move. Traveling through a portal, I was surrounded by stars, black space, and felt connected to the energy of all that is. In a place between dreams and reality; my subconscious mind was activated. I was in both worlds; I felt light and free, like air. After what felt like hours, I reached the end of the portal, and was greeted by my deceased grandmother, standing in a kitchen wearing her familiar red apron decorated with tiny flowers, the very same apron she wore back here on earth. My journey had begun.
Ayahuasca, a South American entheogenic brew made from the Banisteriopsis caapi vine, the Psychotria viridis shrub and other ingredients, contains the hallucinogenic drug dimethyltryptamine (DMT). It’s a traditional spiritual medicine used in ceremonies among the indigenous peoples of the Amazon basin, and has helped people, in more modern times, break through some difficult psychological blocks like depression and PTSD.
I didn’t travel to Ecuador for the purpose of doing Ayahuasca, I was here on an “eco-vacation” with the Pachamama Alliance; to learn how oil extraction was affecting the local communities.
But there I was, in the middle of the jungle, surrounded by 10 fellow travelers, at dusk. In preparation for our journey, we fasted for most of the day, hiked through the jungle in the pouring rain, meditated, kayaked on the lake, and set our intentions.
We each had a mat, water, a blanket, and anything else to keep us comfortable, because these journeys can be difficult, both physically and emotionally. We gathered around the shaman, who travelled all day to be with us, and the chanting began. One at a time, we were served a cup of ayahuasca tea that tasted like earth, roots, and bark. It wasn’t pleasant. We returned to our spots, and waited for the medicine to kick in. The Shaman chanted ancient songs all the while; sending us prayers for a safe and meaningful journey.
My grandmother was smiling, as always, and told me how happy she was to be reunited with my grandfather, who died years earlier, and my mom, who had passed years before her time. My grandfather walked into the kitchen, and seemed at peace. They were together again and doing just fine. My mom, who passed away at the age of 44 (I was 20) after a two year battle with ovarian cancer, walked into the room. It all felt so natural, like it was just another day. We hugged, and she said she was very proud of me and I was doing a great job raising my kids. She said she was always with me, every single moment of every single day.
Spending time with her mended a huge hole in my heart. I felt relief and joy and that a huge burden had been lifted from my soul.
Next, as I watched from a distance, my mom engaged in conversations with each of my kids, who also showed up in my vision. I wasn’t close enough to hear what they were saying, but it didn’t matter. In my heart, I knew they had met, and that was all that mattered. I know, in my conscious mind, that this didn’t happen in our "normal reality", but to my subconscious mind it was very real. This is one of the magical qualities of ayahuasca; it opens up your subconscious so you can access places you normally cannot because it’s too painful. I always felt sad that my mom never got to meet my kids. Now, she had.
The scene suddenly shifted and my uncle, who had passed a few years prior, came for a visit. The message he brought was, “just have fun in life! Be happy, laugh, enjoy every day.” This was not surprising, as this was his way. He enjoyed life to the fullest.
I was visited by a few other loved ones who had passed, which brought me peace and closure AND my fear of death disappeared!
Suddenly, I was back in my body. I could hear my friends purging, crying, laughing. I tried pushing those sounds away. I wanted to go back to my peaceful place, with my mom and grandparents! I was angry. “You are all ruining my experience! Stop making those sounds! Its upsetting me. I don’t like it." But to no avail. I was back in my body. I guess I got what I needed, and it was time to move on.
I felt a huge wave of empathy take over my body. I imagined everyone surrounded by a bubble of compassion, including myself. We are all connected with our pain, joy, grief, love. Their pain is my pain, and mine theirs, and I suddenly felt a deep connection to all that is, was, and ever will be. My body began shaking uncontrollably. I was thirsty, and I needed to pee. But I could not move. I felt paralyzed, while at the same time, acutely aware of my trembling body. I opened my eyes, and when one of our sitters came by to check on me, I asked for help. It took two people to lift me up to standing, and walk me to the bathroom. I never felt so out of control of my body. I suddenly understood how it feels to lose control of your body through old age, paralysis, or other illness or injury, and how it felt to be dependent on others for every little thing.
After a long and harrowing trip practically crawling to the bathroom, I became extremely nauseous. I tried to expel whatever was in my stomach, but wasn’t able to. This feeling lasted for two solid hours. Eventually, it happened. My body was finally able to release the nausea, and I immediately felt better. My lesson: I hold on to things for way too long. I need to let things go that no longer serve me.
I crawled into bed, but wasn’t able to sleep. After a restless night, tossing and turning and in out of dreams about my mom and my grandparents, the morning came, and our group gathered together to share our experiences.
I spent the rest of the day recuperating, journaling, and processing my journey. Ayahuasca gave me exactly what I needed, and although I felt physically and emotionally drained, after almost 40 years of un-processed grief, I also felt free and at peace with my mom’s death. I was grateful for the medicine and for the Pachamama Alliance, who had brought me to this place.
About thirty minutes after drinking the Ayahuasca tea, I lay down and closed my eyes. I was floating in the night sky. Blackness and white lights surrounded me. It was peaceful, calm, and beautiful. After while, the lights began to move. Traveling through a portal, I was surrounded by stars, black space, and felt connected to the energy of all that is. In a place between dreams and reality; my subconscious mind was activated. I was in both worlds; I felt light and free, like air. After what felt like hours, I reached the end of the portal, and was greeted by my deceased grandmother, standing in a kitchen wearing her familiar red apron decorated with tiny flowers, the very same apron she wore back here on earth. My journey had begun.
Ayahuasca, a South American entheogenic brew made from the Banisteriopsis caapi vine, the Psychotria viridis shrub and other ingredients, contains the hallucinogenic drug dimethyltryptamine (DMT). It’s a traditional spiritual medicine used in ceremonies among the indigenous peoples of the Amazon basin, and has helped people, in more modern times, break through some difficult psychological blocks like depression and PTSD.
I didn’t travel to Ecuador for the purpose of doing Ayahuasca, I was here on an “eco-vacation” with the Pachamama Alliance; to learn how oil extraction was affecting the local communities.
But there I was, in the middle of the jungle, surrounded by 10 fellow travelers, at dusk. In preparation for our journey, we fasted for most of the day, hiked through the jungle in the pouring rain, meditated, kayaked on the lake, and set our intentions.
We each had a mat, water, a blanket, and anything else to keep us comfortable, because these journeys can be difficult, both physically and emotionally. We gathered around the shaman, who travelled all day to be with us, and the chanting began. One at a time, we were served a cup of ayahuasca tea that tasted like earth, roots, and bark. It wasn’t pleasant. We returned to our spots, and waited for the medicine to kick in. The Shaman chanted ancient songs all the while; sending us prayers for a safe and meaningful journey.
My grandmother was smiling, as always, and told me how happy she was to be reunited with my grandfather, who died years earlier, and my mom, who had passed years before her time. My grandfather walked into the kitchen, and seemed at peace. They were together again and doing just fine. My mom, who passed away at the age of 44 (I was 20) after a two year battle with ovarian cancer, walked into the room. It all felt so natural, like it was just another day. We hugged, and she said she was very proud of me and I was doing a great job raising my kids. She said she was always with me, every single moment of every single day.
Spending time with her mended a huge hole in my heart. I felt relief and joy and that a huge burden had been lifted from my soul.
Next, as I watched from a distance, my mom engaged in conversations with each of my kids, who also showed up in my vision. I wasn’t close enough to hear what they were saying, but it didn’t matter. In my heart, I knew they had met, and that was all that mattered. I know, in my conscious mind, that this didn’t happen in our "normal reality", but to my subconscious mind it was very real. This is one of the magical qualities of ayahuasca; it opens up your subconscious so you can access places you normally cannot because it’s too painful. I always felt sad that my mom never got to meet my kids. Now, she had.
The scene suddenly shifted and my uncle, who had passed a few years prior, came for a visit. The message he brought was, “just have fun in life! Be happy, laugh, enjoy every day.” This was not surprising, as this was his way. He enjoyed life to the fullest.
I was visited by a few other loved ones who had passed, which brought me peace and closure AND my fear of death disappeared!
Suddenly, I was back in my body. I could hear my friends purging, crying, laughing. I tried pushing those sounds away. I wanted to go back to my peaceful place, with my mom and grandparents! I was angry. “You are all ruining my experience! Stop making those sounds! Its upsetting me. I don’t like it." But to no avail. I was back in my body. I guess I got what I needed, and it was time to move on.
I felt a huge wave of empathy take over my body. I imagined everyone surrounded by a bubble of compassion, including myself. We are all connected with our pain, joy, grief, love. Their pain is my pain, and mine theirs, and I suddenly felt a deep connection to all that is, was, and ever will be. My body began shaking uncontrollably. I was thirsty, and I needed to pee. But I could not move. I felt paralyzed, while at the same time, acutely aware of my trembling body. I opened my eyes, and when one of our sitters came by to check on me, I asked for help. It took two people to lift me up to standing, and walk me to the bathroom. I never felt so out of control of my body. I suddenly understood how it feels to lose control of your body through old age, paralysis, or other illness or injury, and how it felt to be dependent on others for every little thing.
After a long and harrowing trip practically crawling to the bathroom, I became extremely nauseous. I tried to expel whatever was in my stomach, but wasn’t able to. This feeling lasted for two solid hours. Eventually, it happened. My body was finally able to release the nausea, and I immediately felt better. My lesson: I hold on to things for way too long. I need to let things go that no longer serve me.
I crawled into bed, but wasn’t able to sleep. After a restless night, tossing and turning and in out of dreams about my mom and my grandparents, the morning came, and our group gathered together to share our experiences.
I spent the rest of the day recuperating, journaling, and processing my journey. Ayahuasca gave me exactly what I needed, and although I felt physically and emotionally drained, after almost 40 years of un-processed grief, I also felt free and at peace with my mom’s death. I was grateful for the medicine and for the Pachamama Alliance, who had brought me to this place.