I've been keeping journals ever since I can remember. Writing helps me sort through my thoughts, and when something is upsetting me, writing helps me get the swarm of thoughts out of my head and out into the universe (or, on a piece of paper at least) I always feel more clear-headed afterwards. So, I thought, why not give this a try and write every morning about my life as an artists and see what happens. WIll I even be able to maintain this commitment I make to myself? I could post on FB, most people would see it, but somehow I feel "safer" writing here. And, I can write as much as I want!
My hope is that writing like this will help with a few things.
1. Writing will help me focus my day. I plan to document my to do list, which is something I do every morning anyway.
2. Practice my writing skills. I have always loved to write, but lately haven't' been doing much of it.
3. Practice a ritual of doing something productive every morning. I'm not good at sticking with things for very long. It's not necessarily a bad thing, because if I am not enjoying an activity, I have no qualms about moving on to something more enjoyable. I don't "stick with it" just for the sake of it. But, the other side of that is sometimes I do in fact quit too soon, I bail when the going gets rough, and I miss out on the satisfaction of learning to something very well. I'm more of a skimmer…I learn just enough to get it done, then move on to something new.
This has caused me great angst. I feel like I have experienced a lot by being this way, but I am not really very good at anything. My friends admire this trait in me. It has its ups and downs.
OK, I realize I am rambling and I think I need to figure out a format for these posts, or else it might end up being a random brain dump. (hmm…maybe that's not such a bad idea either!)
I'll have to think about that.
For today…what's on my mind? Theatre. Ever since high school, I have wanted to do acting. But I was petrified to be on stage, and auditioning scared the crap out of me, so I sat in the theatre watching everyone else audition, wishing i had the nerve. I ended up in the chorus for a few plays, and then in college I worked on the sets, props, make-up..everything except being on stage. I did one community theatre play many years ago, but I did not have a speaking role. Then, I had kids, and evening rehearsals were out of the question.
Fast forward to now. I got dumped by PG&E after a 4- month contracting gig (budget cuts), and it seems I have some time on my hands. (actually, I don't, but more on that later.) So, I thought I would sign up for an acting class just for fun. Ended up auditioning for the college spring production. Did not get cast, until I did! (someone declined a role, so I was next up) I have a small part in a play called "You Can't Take it With You." I am thrilled!
Here's the problem: Now, I am finding out about all these other plays and want to keep auditioning…partially for practice, but then is that fair to the director? If in fact they want me to be in the play, I'm not really available. IS that my ego talking? It's like going on job interviews when you have no intention of taking the job. So…I am pondering this. I might approach the director of the show I wanted to audition for and see if he minded…why not?
And in my fantasy mind…here's how that plays out…I audition, he loves me and wants to cast me in a featured role. Then, I would probably need to bow out of the first play, which might blackball me from future productions? How does this work? Again, this is my ego talking! I haven't EVER been in a play with a speaking role, what makes me think this could even happen?
So, I think I will just email the director and let him know what's up and see what he says. I will have to wait until summer or fall to do another play, if I even still want to…maybe I have no idea about the time commitment…
I am going to list the other things on my plate, just for fun, and to give you an idea about how my mind works sometimes.
Here's the projects/activities I am involved with right now:
And here's what's on my TO DO list, project-wise:
There's more, I think…but these are the big ones. I wonder, when I look back on this at the end of the year, where I will be with all this? Which projects will get done, which will disappear?
I have always had an issue with money. My latest thought is, "success isn't always measured by how much money you make." Most of my life, I have believed that that was the case. I mean, our society is built around that very belief, so it's no surprise that I think that way. We need money to live, no argument there. But, at what cost, and how much do we really NEED? I do not make any money doing what I do. I come close to breaking even sometimes, and this has bothered me for along time. I am going to try and push that thought aside…just do things that feed my soul…just for one year…and see what happens. More on this later, I can assure you!
Well that's my brain dump for today.
I'll be heading out to the drum circle taking place in my studio today, and then teach the Meditate and Create workshop, and then going to dinner at a friend's house.